Broken hearted

Monday, December 3, 2012

This may be the hardest post I've ever written, but I feel like it's the only way I can try to move forward.

Last Thursday, we found out our little baby's heart stopped beating.

I had been feeling like something was wrong that Tuesday, but after speaking with my doctor's nurse, she said everything was fine and for me to go home and rest. Wednesday, I was in a much better mood and I even felt much better. However, Thursday morning at 4:30 a.m. I was back where I was Tuesday and decided I needed to see the doctor. As I laid in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, Terry told me not to cry because everything was fine. But he agreed that going to have everything checked out would ease our minds.

Later that morning a little before lunch, we had an ultrasound appointment. After waiting what seemed like days, they finally called us back. At noon our hearts were crushed as we were told that our sweet little one's heart wasn't beating anymore, and that he or she had stopped growing about a week and a half or two weeks earlier. My biggest fear had become a reality.

Our doctor told us it was nothing we did wrong, that God knew he needed another little angel with him in heaven and that this little one wasn't meant to be ours on earth. And at that moment, I wasn't mad, just hurt to the core. This baby was already loved so much, but this gift that He gave us, was only meant to be ours for a brief time and I'm grateful for Him allowing me to carry this baby for 11 weeks.

The next day, I went in to have surgery to end what was left of the pregnancy.

I've cried a thousand tears since Thursday trying to understand why this happened. I feel empty. I'm hurt. I'm devastated. I don't understand. We were so excited about our little one and had big hopes and dreams for this baby. I was looking forward to being this baby's mommy and Terry was excited to be this baby's daddy. A few of our friends have been faithful to call and check on us, and they've all told us that we are still mommy and daddy to this baby. Only God is taking care of our little one until we meet again some day.

Please continue to pray for us as we grieve the loss of our baby. Our friend Angie and her family sent us a beautiful dish garden for us to remember our baby, and the Hawley's sent us a cypress tree to plant in the spring so that we can watch it grow daily like we would our baby. My work has been very supportive with allowing time off to grieve and sending cards and gifts of food. The calls and texts have been appreciated more than you will ever know. We are very thankful for our true friends who love us through the good times and the bad.

I'm not sure what we would do without the love and support of our family and friends. My parents came Thursday evening and my mom hasn't left my side. I can't help but be hurt for them, too, because this was their first grandchild. Your prayers and words of encouragement is helping us make it through this difficult time. We pray that God will heal our hearts, and that one day He will bless us with another gift from above.

Until we meet again baby Sowell... we will never forget you and we will love you always.


  1. I am so sorry to hear this news. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. -Kelly

  2. Oh I can't even imagine how challenging this post was to write. My heart breaks for you and Terry. You all are definitely in my constant thoughts and prayers!

  3. Oh honey, I am SO so sorry. My heart breaks for y'all. My prayers are with you and if there's anything I can do, please let me know.

  4. Joy - I am in tears for you right now. I am so sorry you had to experience this. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers. Don't lose faith in God's plan for your life. There's a reason this happened, but you have to be ok with not knowing what that reason is until you meet Him in Heaven when you'll also finally hold this sweet baby. I am so sorry Joy.

  5. I know I told you on Twitter, but my husband and I went through this five years ago last Friday. We'd been doing fertility treatments for a very long time. I have found the following things to be true:

    1. God is faithful even when we question why. Even when we yell at Him. Get angry at Him. And yes, even if we start to hate Him for it, HE IS FAITHFUL.
    2. I miscarried in our home and didn't need surgery. I didn't know the sex of our child, I was 10 weeks. I asked the Lord over and over again for a sign. One day I was talking with someone and I meant to say, "when I lost our baby" and instead, "when I lost our son" came out. That was my sign.
    3. Name your baby. At first I didn't want to do this. I didn't feel like it was necessary. I was afraid my friends and family would think we were silly or even stupid. But we named our son (even before we knew we had a son..we picked what we felt was a gender neutral name) Miller Gracen anyway. I'm so glad we did.
    4. Have a memorial service, even if it's just in your own home, with just your husband and you. Read scripture, say prayers, even confess your dreams for the child. It's part of healing. We set up an area in our yard where we planted a rose bush and we know that is where we memorialized our son.
    5. Your friends and family may move on and even forget or not focus on your loss. It's not because they want to or want to hurt you, it's just that it wasn't as personal to them as it was you at this point. That's the pain of miscarriage. To you and your husband there's a baby that's no longer there. To others it's a dream that never came to reality. There's a difference. Don't get angry at them. Just understand it's how they grieve.
    6. Give your child a legacy. Every year on my due date and each year for Christmas I donate toys to our local children's hospital in memory of Miller. I made sure that even if no one else in my family took the time to remember our loss, that Miller's short life wasn't in vain. He is in heaven with my Savior which gives me comfort. But on earth his name and my desire to give him a legacy brings comfort to sick children.
    7. Even though your blessing is being held by God, you've become a mother. The minute you found out about your pregnancy and began taking care of your baby you were a mother. Honor that. Celebrate that. Hold fast to that.

    I'm in tears for you because I know exactly what you're going through. It took me years before I was able to say, "maybe this is why" and to finally get some understanding and peace. There are so many of us mothers out here. We must be a support system for each other. Don't let anyone dictate to you how you should feel, grieve, etc.

    Know that so many of us our here praying for you. The Lord has not forsaken you. Hold tight to Him and know He will bless continue to bless you and in His time all of this will make sense.

    In Christ's love,

  6. Oh sweetie I don't even know what to say except I'll be praying for you and Terry both. I can't imagine the heartache you all are feeling but I know God has big plans for you both and you are going to make great parents someday. Hugs to you both.

  7. Joy, I have no words for you. My heart breaks for you, and your family. I pray for all of you in this difficult time.

  8. so sorry sweet friend! Our angel babies are on the lap of Jesus singing sweet songs! He is taking good care of them! I wish there was something I could say to take away all the hurt and pain!

    I am praying for y'all sweet friend! And I am here for you! Love and hugs to y'all!

  9. I am so sorry! You and Terry, as well as, the rest of the your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. Oh Joy! No no noooo!! I am seriously in tears right now. I just want to give you the biggest hug and sit down with you and a bucket of ice cream!

    hugs and prayers my friend! let me know if you need anything at all, even an email shoulder to cry on!

  11. Oh Joy, I'm so sorry to hear! My heart breaks for you both..I'm praying for you and your hubby during this time...Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you you need only to be still...

  12. Joy, I'm so, so, so sorry. I am up late, unable to sleep, and thought, I'm going to check her blog. I'm so glad for God's divine intervention in my browsing. Please know you and Terry are in my thoughts and prayers.

    I don't know what you're experiencing as someone with maternal longings, but I do remember the ache we all experienced when my sister suffered a miscarriage a few years before my precious nephew was born, and how we all wished we could do or say or be something -- anything -- that would help. Even with Caleb's presence (which is so very, very joyful and FULL), our family remembers what would have been our first grandchild, too -- Josiah.

    At their OBGYN's recommendation, my sister and her husband chose a gender-neutral name for their unborn angel and mourned that baby's loss. My sister still feels the ache as none of us really can, but as with her so many years ago, I want to punch something FOR you and do something that will help! Agh!

    May the Lord bless you and Terry, and keep you, and make His face to shine upon you [during this time of raw grief], and give you peace. - Numbers 6:24-26

    Much love from Baton Rouge.

  13. Joy! I'm so so sorry! I know, firsthand, that there are no words to comfort you, but please know you are loved and lifted in prayer. I admire your sharing. We miscarried two years ago, and I never told anyone. This is part of your story and I admire you for sharing this story that God has written through your precious baby and your family. Love and hugs! Prayers for your recovery physically and emotionally. You are and always will be Mommy to this little one. From one mommy to another...

  14. Oh Joy, I am so sorry for you and Terry. You are both in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard this post was to write but I admire you for doing so. Consider this a big ol hug and squeeze from Ohio and some basset snuggles and kisses from Floyd. Thinking about you guys.

  15. oh joy im sorry for your loss at times sometimes words aren't enough to express what one is feeling when a friend looses a baby but you will get to meet baby sowell one day and i know that when you see your baby you will immediately know it is him or her

  16. I am so sorry for you and your husband's loss. I can't imagine the sorrow. I am sending up some prayers for you and your family!

  17. Joy, I am so sorry. I am just now reading this and immediately begin crying. I will keep you both in my prayers and thoughts, as well as your family. - Dana


Thanks for taking a moment to read the Sowell Life.

CopyRight © | Theme Designed By Hello Manhattan