Broken hearted

This may be the hardest post I've ever written, but I feel like it's the only way I can try to move forward.

Last Thursday, we found out our little baby's heart stopped beating.

I had been feeling like something was wrong that Tuesday, but after speaking with my doctor's nurse, she said everything was fine and for me to go home and rest. Wednesday, I was in a much better mood and I even felt much better. However, Thursday morning at 4:30 a.m. I was back where I was Tuesday and decided I needed to see the doctor. As I laid in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, Terry told me not to cry because everything was fine. But he agreed that going to have everything checked out would ease our minds.

Later that morning a little before lunch, we had an ultrasound appointment. After waiting what seemed like days, they finally called us back. At noon our hearts were crushed as we were told that our sweet little one's heart wasn't beating anymore, and that he or she had stopped growing about a week and a half or two weeks earlier. My biggest fear had become a reality.

Our doctor told us it was nothing we did wrong, that God knew he needed another little angel with him in heaven and that this little one wasn't meant to be ours on earth. And at that moment, I wasn't mad, just hurt to the core. This baby was already loved so much, but this gift that He gave us, was only meant to be ours for a brief time and I'm grateful for Him allowing me to carry this baby for 11 weeks.

The next day, I went in to have surgery to end what was left of the pregnancy.

I've cried a thousand tears since Thursday trying to understand why this happened. I feel empty. I'm hurt. I'm devastated. I don't understand. We were so excited about our little one and had big hopes and dreams for this baby. I was looking forward to being this baby's mommy and Terry was excited to be this baby's daddy. A few of our friends have been faithful to call and check on us, and they've all told us that we are still mommy and daddy to this baby. Only God is taking care of our little one until we meet again some day.

Please continue to pray for us as we grieve the loss of our baby. Our friend Angie and her family sent us a beautiful dish garden for us to remember our baby, and the Hawley's sent us a cypress tree to plant in the spring so that we can watch it grow daily like we would our baby. My work has been very supportive with allowing time off to grieve and sending cards and gifts of food. The calls and texts have been appreciated more than you will ever know. We are very thankful for our true friends who love us through the good times and the bad.

I'm not sure what we would do without the love and support of our family and friends. My parents came Thursday evening and my mom hasn't left my side. I can't help but be hurt for them, too, because this was their first grandchild. Your prayers and words of encouragement is helping us make it through this difficult time. We pray that God will heal our hearts, and that one day He will bless us with another gift from above.

Until we meet again baby Sowell... we will never forget you and we will love you always.