Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The only way I know to help myself move forward is to write down what I'm feeling...

Thankful... I'm so thankful for a wonderful husband who has been nothing short of amazing through all of this. Not only has the pain been emotional, but there is also the physical pain and he has been right here with me through it all. He holds me when I can't stop crying, he lets me squeeze his hand through the pain, he checks on me constantly, and he reminds me that we are in this together, and no matter what, our love is stronger because of this. I couldn't make it through this on my own and I'm just so thankful that he is strong enough for the both of us. I'm thankful that my parents have done everything they can to make me more comfortable. My mom took care of all the household needs of cleaning, cooking and shopping while I've been recovering and resting. And that's more than we could have ever asked for.

Emptiness... I've caught myself holding my once little pregnant belly wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. I miss the feelings I had, I miss the dreams I had, and I miss knowing that I was a warm, safe home for our little baby. And I had those feelings for a few months and I want them back.

Fear... I fear that I'll never have those feelings again. I fear that if I do, all of this could happen again.

Anger... I'm angry at myself for having these bad feelings. I know this was God's plan for us, yet I wish this pain wouldn't have happened. I want so much to be happy for those I see pregnant around me, but I really wish it was me. I wanted the chance to be a good mommy, and watch my husband be a great daddy. And I thought that was going to happen in June. We aren't giving up hope that one day we will be wonderful parents.... but I really wanted it to be now.

Sadness... I've had so many people contact us through phone calls, texts, emails, comments here and on twitter telling me that this has happened to them, too. I never knew so many people go through this. It's so sad to think that there are many others who are feeling the same pain I'm feeling right now.

Love... So many of you have shown us how much y'all love us. We are blessed to have a support team that has surrounded us to let us know we are not alone. Those of you who have called constantly, sent texts everyday, sent cards, sent emails, sent flowers and food, we know you didn't have to do those things for us, but they are very much appreciated. Knowing that you have friends who truly care means so much to us.

I pray that God will heal our broken hearts, and forgive us of these feelings of anger. We may not understand His plan for us right now, but we pray that one day He will see that it's the right time for us to bring a little baby in this world.

1 comment:

  1. Joy, reading this brings tears to my eyes! I promise it does get easier. It's one of the hardest things to experience and understand! I hate that y'all are going through this! Praying for y'all sweet friend!


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