Thursday, May 9, 2013

A Mother without a child...

I'm a mother without a child. I carried a baby for three months before he or she went to Heaven. And sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. I have good days, and then some days I just want to sit and cry. I know why it's been so hard for me over the past few weeks, because Mother's Day is just a few days away and all I can think about is how it was suppose to be this year.

I was suppose to be 34 weeks pregnant right now. I was suppose to be bigger than a house right now, and loving every minute of it. I was suppose to be feeling our baby kick and move all around. Yet, I'm sitting here 5 months after having a miscarriage, upset and feeling numb. It was suppose to be different this year. I truly wanted it to be different. But it's not. The decision was not mine, and we all know how I like to be in control. Maybe that's the hardest part for me to understand, and the hardest part for me to accept.

I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with this pain today. Many of you reached out to me in December telling me that you've been through this, and that you have grieved each and every day since your loss. I never knew that this experience would affect me like this would. Some don't understand our pain, but it's real, and it hurts. Yes, we might have only been a few months into our pregnancy, but that was our baby. That little one had us already wrapped around his or her finger with that one glimpse of that little heart beating on the screen.

And now, here we are a few days before Mother's Day. I'm so thankful for my mom, mother-in-law, grandmother, aunts and friends who are mother's. They've done a fine job raising their little ones, some of us who are now grown adults. We plan on celebrating with our families this weekend, however, the Mr and I have decided to forgo one of the traditions that I've never missed until this year. We won't be attending church with my mom and grandmother this Mother's Day. I know I won't be able to make it through the service without crying, especially during the Mother's recognition service. And with those tears will come a thousand questions, and unfortunately, I'm just not up to it this year. Because my fear is my answer will come with anger with me screaming "I'm a mother, too — I just don't have anything to show for it." And it has nothing to do with getting a rose, card or gift... it has everything to do with me wanting our baby back. Me wanting to still be pregnant, me still not understanding why this happened to us, and my longing to be a mom to an earthly baby.

We want to celebrate with our moms, and let them know that we are so thankful for them. While I'll do my best hiding my tears throughout the festivities this year, I can't promise that I won't have to be excused to avoid an emotion breakdown.

But also this Mother's Day, I want to remember those of you who, like me, are grieving because you too, are a mother without a child. I want you to know that this Mother's Day is for you, too. A day to remember that there is hope for each one of us. A hope that by next year we will have a baby in our arms. And if not next year, in the years to come. For those moms who got to hold their little ones, but it was only for a short time, you too, are thought of this year. Even though we don't know the answers to the question why, we know that He knows the answers, and He is taking care of our little ones until we are reunited again.

This Mother's Day if you are a mom spending the day with your children, take a minute and say a prayer for those of us who are longing to be you. Pray that we will get to experience the overwhelming joy you are living right now. And, also, thank God that He has given you this blessed gift called motherhood.

19 comments:

  1. Love this post and praying with and for you this weekend. Six years of childless Mother's Days and all I can think about this year are those who are longing for their day. I'm thankful for this Mothers Day but always reminded it wasn't easy getting here. I, too, will cry I'm sure. Cry for all the Mother's Days before and cry for the Mother's Day that is here. Never taking it for granted.

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  2. I know this post touches the hearts of everyone reading. Happy Mother's Day, Joy. You are a Mom ~ I'm sending love your way this weekend!

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  3. What a heartfelt post, Joy. Praying for you guys this week.

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  4. I appreciate your raw and honest emotions. If you really want to go to church though, go! Who cares if you rush out crying like a hot mess? Who cares if you are blocking up the baby aisle at target sobbing over a pacifier? The folks who would be uncomfortable with that haven't had real loss in their life. I know another mother who lost her four year old to brain cancer last May. He was an only child. This may she welcomed a new addition to the family, a nephew. I can only imagine how she is feeling this week.

    But there's not anything wrong with skipping the holiday all together either. I lost my mother quite a few years back and if I had it my way, we wouldn't even celebrate anything. But my two kids and husband insist so even when I'm not in the mood, I play along for their sake. I appreciate so much that they think I'm special enough to deserve a day - even if I don't want it. I don't think you'd have the heart of a mother if you weren't meant to have a child in tow one of these days. The struggle getting there makes that baby that much sweeter - and I'm talking from experience there.

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  5. I too share in your pain, Joy. Our due date would have been on Mother's Day this year, so I can totally relate to all of the feelings you describe so well in your post. What a testament your faith has been through this trial in your life. Though I do not know you, I pray that you will get the chance to have a bundle of joy of your own. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle and that we have a mighty big God that will provide comfort and a peace that passes all understanding. Lifting you up in prayer!

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  6. Big hugs Joy. Kudos for writing this post. I know you'll help some people who need it.

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  7. Sweet Joy. My thoughts will be with you this weekend, know that I am sending big hugs! I know this post will touch others out there that feel the same way you do this weekend, and it will help them know that they are not alone. Love you!

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  8. I'm in tears reading this. I will certainly pray that you can find peace in this situation but also that you get your Earthly baby soon. There are SO MANY mothers without babies out there. So many. You're definitely not alone in this. I'm so sorry Joy.

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  9. Oh, I can't imagine the heartache you must be feeling right now, but I teared up reading your heartfelt and honest post. I will be praying for you this weekend and for all the other mothers without a child. Sending lots of hugs!

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  10. Dear sweet Joy,

    I am praying for you and all the other people like you out there. I have you and a few others that I know about. I wish I could hug you and the mister. :). Thank you for supporting me as well. :). I am so glad we are blog friends and real life friends. Y'all mean so much to me. I need women like you and the rest of the girls so badly. Again I love you hugs and kisses!! :)

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  11. I love you. ANd HUGE hugs from over here in Texas. I pray this for you - Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalms 27:12

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  12. Beautifully written, Joy! Thank you!

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  13. I didn't find your blog until after the new year so I had no clue of the hurt you've been carrying on your shoulders until now! I am praying for you over this mother's day weekend. In time, the Lord will heal your heart. Stay strong sweet friend!

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  14. BIG hugs, Joy! I had no idea you went through such a tough experience, and I didn't realize it's more common than talked about.

    Here's to hope and a bright future, my friend!

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  15. I am praying for you Joy! My heart breaks over the pain you're going through! Love you!

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  16. Thinking about you, sweet friend! My mama lost three babies before she had my brother and I. Don't give up! God has a perfect plan!

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  17. Dearest Joy,
    So many thoughts and emotions that so many of us have felt. You are so brave to put it all out there and share your experience. I am praying for you daily...for peace, for healing and that you and the Mister will soon get that earthly baby you so long for. You are all ready a mother and someday will be an amazing mother to a baby you get to hold in your arms. Sending love and hugs your way!

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  18. I just came across this post. My heart is with you honey. I've never been fond of those mother's recognition things at church on Mother's Day for this (and other) reasons. You ARE a mother to a beautiful angel and one day you will hold another and be an amazing mother to him/her. You will always hold that first baby in your heart, no different that all the future baby Sowells. Love you girlie.

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Thanks for taking a moment to read the Sowell Life.