I'm a mother without a child. I carried a baby for three months before he or she went to Heaven. And sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. I have good days, and then some days I just want to sit and cry. I know why it's been so hard for me over the past few weeks, because Mother's Day is just a few days away and all I can think about is how it was suppose to be this year.
I was suppose to be 34 weeks pregnant right now. I was suppose to be bigger than a house right now, and loving every minute of it. I was suppose to be feeling our baby kick and move all around. Yet, I'm sitting here 5 months after having a miscarriage, upset and feeling numb. It was suppose to be different this year. I truly wanted it to be different. But it's not. The decision was not mine, and we all know how I like to be in control. Maybe that's the hardest part for me to understand, and the hardest part for me to accept.
I know I'm not the only one who is dealing with this pain today. Many of you reached out to me in December telling me that you've been through this, and that you have grieved each and every day since your loss. I never knew that this experience would affect me like this would. Some don't understand our pain, but it's real, and it hurts. Yes, we might have only been a few months into our pregnancy, but that was our baby. That little one had us already wrapped around his or her finger with that one glimpse of that little heart beating on the screen.
And now, here we are a few days before Mother's Day. I'm so thankful for my mom, mother-in-law, grandmother, aunts and friends who are mother's. They've done a fine job raising their little ones, some of us who are now grown adults. We plan on celebrating with our families this weekend, however, the Mr and I have decided to forgo one of the traditions that I've never missed until this year. We won't be attending church with my mom and grandmother this Mother's Day. I know I won't be able to make it through the service without crying, especially during the Mother's recognition service. And with those tears will come a thousand questions, and unfortunately, I'm just not up to it this year. Because my fear is my answer will come with anger with me screaming "I'm a mother, too — I just don't have anything to show for it." And it has nothing to do with getting a rose, card or gift... it has everything to do with me wanting our baby back. Me wanting to still be pregnant, me still not understanding why this happened to us, and my longing to be a mom to an earthly baby.
We want to celebrate with our moms, and let them know that we are so thankful for them. While I'll do my best hiding my tears throughout the festivities this year, I can't promise that I won't have to be excused to avoid an emotion breakdown.
But also this Mother's Day, I want to remember those of you who, like me, are grieving because you too, are a mother without a child. I want you to know that this Mother's Day is for you, too. A day to remember that there is hope for each one of us. A hope that by next year we will have a baby in our arms. And if not next year, in the years to come. For those moms who got to hold their little ones, but it was only for a short time, you too, are thought of this year. Even though we don't know the answers to the question why, we know that He knows the answers, and He is taking care of our little ones until we are reunited again.
This Mother's Day if you are a mom spending the day with your children, take a minute and say a prayer for those of us who are longing to be you. Pray that we will get to experience the overwhelming joy you are living right now. And, also, thank God that He has given you this blessed gift called motherhood.
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