I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. Even before I met Mr Right, who is now the Mr, it was something I dreamed of being. I thought I would become a mommy long before I actually did, but if ever I have realized something, it's that it's not in our time, it's all in His time.
After having a miscarriage the first day of December in 2012, life became hard for me. Everywhere I turned there was a baby on TV, or even going shopping there was babies/kids, everywhere. Just one look at those sweet faces would drive that knife just a little deeper in my heart. I couldn't even watch movies without crying. I always knew I wanted to be a mommy, but I never would have dreamed I would have to experience such a lost and pain before the joy came.
Last Easter was hard. We decided to take a break from Facebook in September 2012. This was a month before we found out we were pregnant the first time. I still had my twitter and instagram account, and loved keeping up with everyone through those means of social media. For some reason, when Easter week came, my heart strings were pulled and tugged on throughout the week. We were actively trying to get pregnant, and I had high hopes that the following week I would get a positive test. The weekend of Easter, I saw hundreds of pictures of friend's kids painting and then hunting Easter eggs. Then the night before Easter, I viewed pictures of everyone getting ready for the Easter bunny.
That night, I had a dream. I still remember that dream like it was yesterday. I dreamed someone rang our doorbell, and I went to the door and found a little baby girl in an Easter basket. There was no note, and no one with her. Just a sweet little newborn baby left at our door step. The next part of the dream was kinda in and out but I remember us not having anything for a baby in our house and we had to go buy everything. And then I woke up, crying.
We got up to get ready for church. While the Mr was driving us to church, I scrolled through instagram and saw all those sweet happy kids with their Easter baskets. It was all I could do to hold back the tears.
After the service, we went to Ruby Tuesdays to grab some lunch. I think the Mr knew something was wrong with me because I wasn't really talking. Then out of no where I told him I really, really wanted a baby. Understand that we talked about getting pregnant and having a baby a lot after the miscarriage. We weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant in September 2012, but when we took that pregnancy test and it came back positive, we were overjoyed. And losing that little baby was extremely hard on both of us. So we knew we wanted to try to have another baby as soon as we could.
Sitting in the booth at that restaurant, I cried. I told him about all the pictures I had seen that morning, and how happy all the little kids looked. I told him about all the family Easter pictures everyone was posting. And then I sobbed, and said very loudly through the tears... I want that!!!
We didn't finish our lunch, we just got the check and left with me crying. We got in the vehicle and he said something very important to me. He said, he wanted a baby just as much as I did, but he didn't marry me for a baby. He married me because he loves me, and if it was just the two of us for the rest of our lives, he was okay with that. I knew he wanted a family just like I did, but I could tell he was trying to tell me it was going to be okay if we never did.
Once we arrived home, that knife was driven a little bit deeper when I realized we wouldn't be getting a positive pregnancy test the following week. I cried most of that afternoon, mainly because maybe the Mr was right, maybe it would just be the two of us, and I'd have to be okay with that.
The reason I'm telling this is because what a difference a year makes. My tears of sorrow and hurt are replaced with tears of joy this year. This year, I've experienced getting things ready for the Easter bunny, and getting us ready for that ever so special 1st Easter morning photo. I know last year was a test for me, and I heard God loud and clear that His timing is always best... even when we think He has forsaken us.
This Easter, I'll be one of those moms who is posting her baby's Easter basket, her with her Easter basket, our Easter family photo, and who knows what all else. But, if you are the me last year who longed to be experiencing all the joys everyone else was feeling, just know I do know how you are feeling... and your time is coming.
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